The Stories We Tell Ourselves
In its effort to keep you safe and alive, your nervous system is always trying to predict what might happen next. As we’ve discussed, your memory system ties together sensory and emotional experiences, and your nervous system uses this information, along with cues from inside your body, as a guide to respond appropriately in future, similar situations.
Your memory system also ties in stories or beliefs about yourself, others, and relationships, which you integrate, often unknowingly, into your response patterns. Even as children, we often feel responsible for the behavior of others. As relationships, and our understanding of humans, become more complicated as we grow, we develop beliefs or stories about ourselves, and assumptions about how relationships generally work and feel. And those stories then influence our expectations and behavior in future relationships.
Your brain’s attempts to predict what might happen can be particularly tricky when other humans are involved. People have their own unique nervous system patterns, emotional responses, and behaviors. But when we use our own patterns to try to understand or predict the behavior of others, we often misunderstand or misinterpret the reasons or meaning behind things.
Different types of stories are linked to the different stress states and become part of the filtration process as we read the people around us and try to decipher or predict their feelings or behavior.
Here’s an example. If you’re talking with a friend, and they start yawning, you might evaluate that yawn very differently depending on your nervous system state.
If you’re at ease, feeling safe and connected, you might respond with empathy, thinking: “oh, they’re tired. They’ve been juggling so much lately.” You may wrap up your story and check in to see how they’ve been doing.
If you’re activated by the yawn, you might respond with anger, thinking: “they are so selfish, they can’t even pay attention to what’s going on in my life!” You may pick a fight with the friend or storm off.
If you’re shut down by the yawn, you might respond with sadness: “anytime I try to share myself with someone, they push me away.” You may become quiet or switch into people-pleasing behavior to try to maintain a connection with them.
What are the different stories or beliefs that come up for you when you’re at ease, versus when you’re in activation or shut down? What do you believe about yourself, or about others, or about the world? And how do those stories impact how you feel, react and behave?
The stories that are tied to your stress states are tied to patterns of protection. If you find yourself reacting to something that you aren’t sure warrants that reaction, pause and ask what your body is telling you. What’s the story, or belief, that’s been connected to your assessment of this situation? And then, ask yourself: is this story true?
If it’s not true, how can you shift your narrative? What is a true story that can replace the false one you developed to protect yourself? You’ll have more capacity for this if you are able to shift into your green zone of ease. Need some support with this? Let’s work on this at your next session.
As always - give yourself grace as you bring these patterns into your awareness. This is yet another way your system created some short cuts to try to keep you safe. Shifting patterns takes intention, but healing with SSP and other modalities can support your ability to do this.
