Fawning

Activation tends to be the nervous system’s first line of defense. However, if we don’t see a way to manage a situation, if something is too much for us to process, or if our system becomes overwhelmed, our nervous system will pull us into some degree of shutdown, which results in “fawn” or “freeze” stress response patterns.

The fawn state is when we use people-pleasing behaviors to avoid conflict. In this mode, you may find it hard to say no, share how you actually feel, make decisions, set boundaries, or stand up for yourself. You might prioritize everyone else’s wellbeing and feelings over your own.

“A fawn response can lead you to disconnect from your own emotions, sensations, and needs. It is important to practice listening to your body as a way to come back home to yourself.” -Arielle Schwartz

Many clients have shared that even if it wasn’t their original goal for starting SSP, the improved regulation of their nervous system naturally helps them to better identify and communicate their feelings and needs and they begin to feel more comfortable setting boundaries to support their wellbeing. SSP can soothe the underlying anxiety that is connected to patterns of people-pleasing.

If you tend to fawn, practice tuning into and acknowledging the signals you get from your body. Where do you tend to feel emotions like frustration or anxiety? What do they feel like? Do you notice any changes in your breathing, or tightness in your throat, shoulders, belly, or chest?

Once you recognize an emotion coming up for you, name it. And then - and this is where the real resistance might kick in - let yourself feel it. Our society usually teaches the opposite - distract! fix! stuff it down! - whatever it takes to not feel the feelings. We may worry we might get stuck in an emotion (fear, anger, disappointment, sadness…) so we try not to engage with it. But neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor states:

“When a person has a reaction to something in their environment, there’s a 90-second chemical process that happens; any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop.”

Yes, the energetic experience of an emotion can actually last less than 2 minutes - if you let it be there and then move through it. But you can fuel a negative emotion by trying to avoid feeling it, ruminating (thinking about it a lot), or letting negative self-beliefs join the party.

These responses cause what are referred to as feedback loops, where we trigger our system to continue releasing the hormones related to the initial emotional response. When this happens, rather than completing its usual 90-second process, we can hold onto an emotional experience for much longer.

So, let yourself feel the feeling without judgement. Breathe through it. When you can stay tethered to a sense of safety, despite the discomfort, you’ll be able to stay reflective rather than reactive. After about 90 seconds, you can choose what you do next.

There are a range of emotions associated with the experience of being human, and some are much more comfortable than others. But they are all valid, they communicate something to you, and by letting yourself acknowledge them, you may find that you can move through them much more quickly.